Unstrung

I sometimes wonder about the way we choose the things that order our lives.   For many of us, it's work.  The hours of our employment dictate our waking, our sleeping, our family time, meal time, and fun time.  The job also defines what we are capable of financially:  homes, cars, vacations, and lifestyle in general.  It may even determine much about what we call our personality.  For example, a female teacher in a fairly conservative state such as Oklahoma will have to think twice about dressing in very short or tight-fitting clothing, no matter how good she may look in it or how much she might wish to show off her hard work at the gym.

I'm thinking about this because I'm now deep enough into summer to feel the freedom of my days, no alarm clock ruling my time for the most part, no early-to-bed to answer that pre-dawn call.  Without class to shape me, I can wear shorts every day, use virtually no make-up, and pin my hair back with little attention to a professional appearance.  While I love the few months' reprieve, I also have to admit that it doesn't make me the most accomplished person for those summer months.  But I'm puzzled as to what would be a happy medium in between.

There are those people who are focused through some different filter, who string their lives together in an orderly fashion that they find gratifying or beautiful.  The culture that I grew up in is shaped entirely by the seasons; you can only produce a crop in a growing season, and each crop by the weather that it requires.  This was not a lifestyle I could manage as a way of life, though I love it.  I remember how it made my heart hurt to see fields of stubble after a wheat crop was cut.  It was like the end of an achingly gorgeous song that you can only hear once a year.  One of the most difficult times of a ranch life is calving season, yet I loved to see the newborn babies stumbling around on their spindly legs grow into frolicking calves kicking up their heels as they raced about.  Agriculture is a gamble in the best of times; as a foundation for living, it was too much of a crap shoot for me.

I know more than a few people whose lives are founded on their political principles, and I wish I had their courage.  I stand by what I believe, but I also know that circumstances change, people change, and I won't commit myself fully to a life based on politics.  I try to take Emerson's advice, roughly paraphrased here:  Speak what you think today in hard words, and tomorrow speak what you think in hard words again, even if it contradicts everything you say today.  You will change your mind, because if you don't, you aren't growing.  If you're misunderstood as a result, don't worry.  Every great man that ever lived was misunderstood.  So politics as a basis for framing life doesn't seem workable for me, since I don't want to be pigeonholed.

Spiritual beliefs are the foundation for many, but I keep my own counsel on that.  I don't believe that I need to be throwing around my spiritual beliefs for everyone else to judge, nor do I need to judge theirs.  That relationship is simply between me and God.

What is left?  Family---yes, certainly, although it's always in a state of flux.  Children keep parents busy for the first 18 years, and then everyone has to sort out their structure to fit a new dynamic.  Fashion?  From Smartphones to Hummers to leather boots, we all try to make our statements about who we are by the accoutrements of life, but as a basis for living, it's pretty hollow.  Social class?  No, no, no---some of the finest human beings I've ever known would be uncomfortable in four-star restaurants, and that is in no way a reflection of their character.

It seems I've decided that these few months when work doesn't dictate my schedule or my life are the ones I have the most respect for.  I don't accomplish as much, perhaps, but I like who I am, and most importantly, I can sleep the sleep of a clear conscience....even without my days being strung precisely together like a necklace of perfect pearls.