Single and Loving It

There's a fact I love to stun my speech students with every year:  all research confirms that up to 80% of the message we convey is NON-verbal information.  It's not what we are saying that counts the most; it's the body language, facial expressions, and emotional impact that an audience remembers.  Any teacher knows this well.  We can, with practice, give a pretty accurate rating of how much any given student is paying attention to and processing what we're doing in class.  The posture and eyes are the giveaways.  Really, don't we all do that?  Maybe it's a girl thing, but I know I'm accustomed to looking for messages that people don't even know they're sending. 

One that I'm especially used to interpreting is the "Why are you single?" look:  a head tilt, eyes cutting sideways with a little squint.   Depending on who I'm around, I sometimes don't even have to read it----it's a straight-out question.  I find it odd, because if I were to ask most people "Why are you married?" they'd be pretty insulted, and rightly so.  "Why SHOULDN'T I be single?' is the only logical response, but it doesn't satisfy anyone.  At least as I've aged, I don't hear the question as much.

I heard some surprising statistics this summer about how many more single households there are now than just a few years ago.  I don't remember which website I saw it on originally, but I did find a pretty good summary on CNN Money:  "Only 51% of adults today are married, according to census data. And 28% of all households now consist of just one person -- the highest level in U.S. history.... Until recently, no culture in human history had sustained large numbers of people in places of their own. Today more than 40% of households have just one occupant in cities..."  Ah, now there's a large part of why I have long been put on the defensive about my choices---I have, with the exception of the one year in Austin, always lived and worked in small towns.  Even now, though I have a Broken Arrow address, I don't consider myself a city dweller, since I live far enough out that I don't even have to go through a light to get out of my neighborhood onto the Creek Turnpike and speed off to Locust.  Small towns are full of families, extended generations living on adjoining property, and, I fully believe, far too many marriages of all sorts of unhappiness, from silent despair to angry strife and beyond.  So why, WHY, is this something I need to subscribe to? 

The question, then, is really "Why NOT be single?"

Why not?  Because I am shy and awkward and don't meet people easily?  Yes, that's true, but nothing hinges on that.  I've even dated several men who talked with me about marriage---and that was pretty much always the moment that I was done.  Not that I went running, but I really had to examine the relationship and whether I could see it being enough to sustain me for the rest of my life.  No, never.  I just never bought in.

Why not?  Because I am a control freak?  Maybe, but I don't think people see me that way unless they've been teenagers in one of my classes, where I know I can be one rigid bitch about how things get done.  No, it's not the control-freak issue that keeps me single, but something close:  I am totally and completely capable of handling my life.  I don't need anyone to do that for me.  That, unfortunately, is not a very attractive quality to high-quality men (and I will NOT have any other kind!).  They want vulnerable; they want the drama and the romance of playing the superhero.  Even more unfortunately, a capable woman IS attractive to a variety of sub-par men who need or want someone to drive their lives FOR them.  I'm not going to regale you with any tales about Peter-Pan never-grow-up men, but BELIEVE me when I say, their numbers are legion.

Why not?  Because I've never been in love?  Definitely not so---See my Learning through the Ages blog about that one.  I just seem to have remarkably bad taste at choosing that one, who may or may not have been in love with me, but who was never actually in the running.  In the bitter duality of most true, real, raw life experiences, I know two things:  I wouldn't trade that time in my life for any price, but if I had married that one, I might well have wound up dead or in prison.  It's a ridiculous statement when I read it----and still I resolutely stand by it.

Why not?  Because I don't fit the American standards of beauty?  I've been convinced of that, oh, only my entire life.  Though as I've grown older and seen myself age, I've realized that I DID have some good qualities to work with. I was just never easy with myself and able to see them until I was LOSING them.  So I not only didn't have the right qualities, but I was so self-conscious and awkward that I projected no confidence at all---oh, confidence:  the best of beauty, by any standards, in any age. 

Why not?  Because I never saw a lot to envy about marriages?  This---this!---is possibly the kicker:  I've come to the (very dangerous) conclusion that marriage is not very advantageous to women in general, and that it's possible that humans aren't meant to mate for life.  That may seem like a wicked, immoral idea, but it's not about the morality, just the facts.  How many marriages are deeply satisfying in the everyday sense---a true partnership, deep affection, enduring passion, continuing interest in discovering life together, common values and goals?  Not many.  I can name the ones I admire on one hand.  Not more than five!  What does that SAY about the venerated institution?  It leaves me somewhat breathless to think of so many people joining up with the team, having never really thought about whether they truly want to join, or just think they have to join and play. 

Why not?  Because I have standards that are too high?  No.......I don't even know what I'd want, except in a very generic sense.  He must be of the best moral fiber and willing to do right.  He must have a job that I can respect him for, hopefully one that feeds his soul.  He must be smart, wise, but humble in spirit.  He must be kind and open-minded, but also confident and capable.  He must love the good in not just me, but everyone, without having to criticize every flaw.  He must be my best friend, an equal partner in everything----but willing to be my fortress in times of difficulty.  And---oh, please, ye gods!---he must have a sense of humor.  I suppose all these things may add up to standards that are too high.  But to buy in for a lifetime---yes, they are more than reasonable. 

I'm a comfortably single person.  I like to do my errands alone; I get them done much faster that way.  Going out to dinner by myself is a TREAT, just me and a book and my own thoughts.  I don't have any worries about pleasing anyone else's tempermental tastes, and I can stay up all night if I want, peace and solitude both inside and out.  That peace is worth more than a lifetime of unhappiness, bound to someone less than the best.  I'm VERY proud of the fact that I haven't been divorced, simply because I thought I "had" to be married to be counted as something in the world.  I AM something:  I'm a Single Person, happy and complete in that, and open to what life brings.  I'm absolutely confident I've made the right choices for my happiness.  I hope you are, too, dear reader.