Winter Blue

You know how once you make a statement proclaiming something, karma sometimes sees fit to yank the rug right out from under you and leave you flat on your face?  Of course---we all do.  So I'm prefacing this by saying I'm a little afraid that I might be tempting fate here and jinxing myself with what I write.

February has always been a tough month for me to get through, for as long as I remember.  Even though I loved the season of winter, mostly for the promise of snow, that 4- to 5-month span of brown grass and bare branches used to wear on my spirit by this time of year.  Oh, I loved cold, cloudy days, especially if I could stay inside and read all day.  But those days were rare.  By this time, the days were much more often sunny and fairly mild.  It meant that the chances of snow were less each day, yet spring, and the freedom of summer vacation as well, was several weeks off.  I came to realize that a large part of this was the depression I suffered from all my life, but even after getting treatment for that, there were still vestiges of the winter gloom that would creep into the lengthening days each year; in fact, I think February has been the month when I most often had to have my medication changed or adjusted.  Compound that to the 10th power for the fact that my dear Laura's birthday is tomorrow, and the last 10 Februarys have been grueling.

But so far, this year seems different.  I could probably account for a lot of the whys:  I don't have time to get sad, because I'm so busy and rarely home to wallow in sadness.  Time just goes faster with age---and our perspective lengthens as we grow older, perhaps to balance that out.  As a result, I don't feel I have the leisure or the patience for self-indulgent apathy about life.  Getting to spend time with my toddler niece once a month or so is wonderful, and I look forward to every chance I have to be with her.  I even have a pretty enjoyable group of juniors this year who give me little to stress about.  I suspect, though, that the unusual balance I have in my mood this season is primarily a result of some very big personal changes that are hopefully in the offing for me.  I'm not able to talk about them right now, but I will be soon, if all goes as planned. 

Whatever it is that keeps me feeling this strong and emotionally even-keeled, I know better than to look this gift horse in the mouth.   I'll keep on marching to March, awaiting those first green shoots that will signify new life for the world, and for me.