Not In My Space!

These are the things to which I must say, "Not in my space":

• Cooked green vegetables. God meant for us to eat all of 'em (except green beans) fresh and crisp or not at all. When cooked, they taste like dirt and are way too squishy or slimy. I realize this is a childish attitude to have. Just bring me a corn dog and shut up about it already.
• Rap, emo, screamo, death metal, Justin Bieber. These are not music; they are the most effective form of torture known to man. Don't believe me? Remember Manuel Noriega? Don't tell me that they wouldn't have used Justin Bieber to get him out of the house, if Bieber had been more than a gleam in his daddy's eye back then.
• Constant technocrats. In fact, I'd just like to rid the world of the Smartphone, period. It's beginning to look like the Smartphones are really going to be smarter than the people, and then what?  There are already countless movies out there speculating on what happens when.....but it ain't none of it pretty.
• Anything scented with lavender or patchouli.  I love them both; my brain does not.   These are the migraine triggers (along with lilies and other strong flowers) that make the right side of my head go BOOM! and then it's Custer's Last Stand trying to calm the battle in there. 
• Loud unexpected noises.  They make me want to react the way some startled dogs react:  snapping at the first moving person they see.  I've told my kids this at school, and I'm not quite sure that they don't believe I really MIGHT bite someday.  It keeps them in check, at least.
• Children out past 9 p.m.  I want to slap the snot out of people who are out and about late at night with little ones who are weeping fit to beat Jesus, because they are so clearly exhausted.  Babies belong in bed, not in Walmart, after dark. 
• Loose, yapping dogs.  The most mild-mannered dog will come after me like Cujo.  I've been told countless times that either (1) This is because they know I'm afraid of them, or (2) It's a very bad sign of my character.  The first may be true, but if you think a dog is a good judge of my character, you both need to be locked up.
• Creepingly slow drivers.  They must recognize my eminent domain and pull over to let me by, or risk being passed in a cloud of exhaust and curses. 
• Itchy clothing.  And wet clothing.  Oooo---they make me shiver just to think about them.  Double yuck.
• Alarm clocks.  I have three.  I use them all during the school year.  The first thing I'm going to do when I retire is either have a sacrificial burning of them, or just take them out in the pasture back home and shoot 'em down.  Or, no!---I'll just go all Office Space on them!  Who hasn't wanted to bash something to bits like that?  Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta!  (If you've never seen the movie, just ignore that.  I can't possibly explain it.)
• Disrespect, lies, hate, racism, superiority complexes, and general a--hole-ish behavior.  Wouldn't it be a better world if we all acted like our grandmas were looking over our shoulders all the time? 

This list isn't all-inclusive, but it's a good start.  Before you think ill of me for my negative attitude, think of your own list.  Not so negative now?  Good.  Now get AWAY from the computer and go talk to a live person!